50 Shades Darker Review

So I know I used to review movies by breaking down each and every detail of the plot and my take on said plot. But that’s a little bland, wouldn’t you say? You could obviously just read a summary of the movie for that. So instead, I bring you:

50 Thoughts I Had While Watching 50 Shades Darker

1. Why is this opening so white when the title literally has “Darker” in it?
2. I’m going to mentally skip that dream/nightmare intro. It seems to be made for a different movie.
3. Oh. Look it’s a rose. Damn. It’s a LOT of white roses. Someone send me white roses!
4. Girl got a new job hella quick. I’m pretty damn certain it doesn’t work like that but whatever.
5. The Boss is H-O-T. Way hotter than Christian Grey. But also, creepy AF. So there’s that to contend with.
6. DUDE. I would not let any friend have 8 huge portraits of me. Doesn’t he have other friends he can photograph? Really? It would look way more normal if he had 8 friends that he did portraits of.
7. And her ex is stalking her. While also looking cute. So I guess they can “talk”?
8. I’m just saying, if someone was offering steak, I would not pass that up for quinoa. Which is why she’s a size 2 and I’m not LOL.
9. “A key part of good communication is that both parties be conscious.” Literally laughing here. Dakota Johnson, you funny gurl.
10. Actually I remember thinking she was funny last time too. She was good in How to Be Single, which I own. And I kinda wish I was watching that.
11. Oh look, she’s taking him back. And they’re taking things “slow”. LOL do they even know what movie this is?
12. I hate “Laters, baby”. Seriously. It sounds stupid AF. I mean, granted it was in the books. But it’s even worse on screen. Heaven forbid they say it out loud.
13. Ah, and there’s the stalker. Really early on. Wasn’t that supposed to happen later? WHATEVER. She looks like that girl from those Rings horror movies, right?
14. Um, I think you should probably never get drinks with Hot Boss. CREEPIER THAN THE RINGS HORROR GIRL.
15. Ugh. See? This possessive shit is why I hate Christian Grey.
16. SEX. Heavens. Told you taking it “slow” was a joke.
17. Can’t believe they got “kinky f*ckery” in the movie. Laughed in the theater. The 15 year old boys sitting next to me (who definitely sneaked into this theater) look shocked and embarrassed. And also like maybe I’m nuts.
18. READ A BOOK LITTLE BOYS. This seriously is hilarious.
19. How did he get her bank info? Slightly concerned with that piece of hacking, but also could someone transfer money into my bank account?
20. How did I forget that Kim Basinger was in this movie? Was she in the last one? I feel like she must really need money to appear in this movie.
21. SO MANY BALL GOWNS. Like I have no place to wear them, but I totally want them all.
22. Also, I’m uncomfortable with this scene. Why am I seeing this movie again?
23. All those dresses and she goes with that one? Really? I mean, it looks fine. BUT GIRL, you had better options!
24. MARCIA GAY HARDEN. I forgot about you too! Who am I even? Maybe I should have watched the first one again? But no, that sounds painful.
25. SHIT. Kim Basinger. How much money did you need to agree to have a drink thrown in your face?
26. “That’s my car.” I mean, maybe I missed something, but we literally never saw you driving that car?
27. Plus it’s just paint right? Is that a huge deal?
28. Apparently, yes, because girl is moving to a boat!
29. Which, DAMN, nice boat!
30. OH OH It’s the Taylor Swift / Zayn song! For the boat scene. Which is not what I was expecting? I feel like you definitely wasted this song. The music video was steamy than this movie. LOL
31. Also, am I the only one that thinks that boat looks like it’s going to tip over?
32. WAIT – I bet that’s the house he’s going to buy her. He’s the kind of guy that buys random shit like that.
33. Dude, no way would I go to New York with CREEPY HOT BOSS. Plus, hasn’t that other assistant been there longer? Shouldn’t she be going?
34. OH THE RED ROOM. You know I wondered if we’d see this again. Also, the little boys are tittering again. HOW DID THEY GET IN HERE?
35. So Ana’s boss pulls the ultimate creep move. AND SCORE. She knees him in the crotch. GO ANA!
36. Wait just like that she gets her creepy boss’s job? WHAT ABOUT THE GIRL THAT HAS BEEN THERE LONGER? I’m highly concerned for her.
37. And now, elevator scene. Que giggling teenagers.
38. I’m not even going into how creepy it is that all your ladies look like your dead mom, Christian.
39. Except seriously, that’s WEIRD AF. ANA RUN!
40. Oh look the Rings girl has a gun. How predictable.
41. And she bows to Christian. See? This shit is weird.
42. AH, ANA RAN! Finally gurl!
43. Ran back to Christian? Oh. So not what I wanted then. At least he proposed? Sorta. Kinda?
44. But DAMN does he look good working out. I’m onto you Ana. I know what you’re doing here!
45. And he hates his birthday. WTF. Birthdays are the best. I can’t even with this guy.
46. PLANE CRASH SCENE. Was that even in this book? Honestly I can’t with this scene. His co-pilot who kept yelling “What is happening?” had me cracking up. MAY-DAY means you’re going down lady! Kinda feeling like this was an erotic comedy? Or just really badly made.
47. And turns out he’s fine like 10 hours later? Really? That’s it? Couldn’t he have a least been missing a week? We didn’t even really get to miss him!
48. Ana said Y-E-S. How predictable. You do you though girl. He’s a billionaire and you got a promotion I guess?
49. For someone who hates birthdays, you had one fine party Mr. Grey. BUT THAT RING. SWOON. Okay, fine. I’m totally on board, Ana.
50. CREEPY HOT BOSS. WHY ARE YOU HERE BEING CREEPY? Also, was that a plot in the books? I feel like I’m seriously missing something.

BONUS: They had a trailer for the next movie after the credits. Is that a thing now? I’m so confused. Seriously. So clearly I have to see the next one right?

In conclusion, this was a movie with little to no plot, sex scenes every 9 minutes, and a foray into why Dakota Johnson should star in comedies. So see you next Valentine’s Day, yes?